Pizza! With Cheese!

I don't know, man, sometimes I just want to eat a pizza, or as was the case last week, I am invited to a pizza party and need to rustle up something. This pizza was a little bit complicated. I mean it's not so tough that you need to block out a week to prepare, but there are steps. Also, this pizza is a veritable cheese bomb. There's cheese in the crust, there's cheese on top, there's all the cheese you have to eat while you're grating the cheese. So if you're not eating dairy, move on, cover your eyes, and pray for us.


The first step is ricing the cauliflower. I used a whole small head of cauliflower. Look, it was a week ago and I don't remember exactly how much. Put the florets in a blender or processor or use a knife (poor you) and make that cauliflower really small. Like smaller than rice grains actually, if you can remember what those look like.

We don't have a microwave because we're hippy conspiracy theorists, but if you did you could nuke the cauliflower rice. I used a pot and a lid on the stove, over medium heat, and I added a smidge of water. Cook until the cauliflower starts to soften and weep. And this part is weird but next wrap up the hot cauliflower in a towel or cheese cloth and twist and squeeze (careful baby it's hot) until its pretty dry and looks like dough. Crumbly dough.

Put this into a bowl with 3 eggs and a cup of grated mozzarella. (Try to use the good dry stuff, not the suspended in brine stuff for this part, we want the crust to be dry.) then add a bit of oregano, maybe a tablespoon? And some salt? A pinch? Just some general Italian style seasonings. And mix it up with a spoon. Oh lord you can add so much to this.

Crap did I tell you to preheat your oven? 350F please. Go back in time and do that first.

Spread out some parchment paper on a baking sheet. Form some pizza crusts. Do not use your hands or try to spin it up in the air--that would be messy. I recommend making many smaller pizzas, since this doesn't have that much structural integrity. And bake until they start to brown a bit. And look firm. No, you don't need to look sternly at the pizza, I mean make sure to eggyness should look cooked is all.

Now I made my own pizza sauce by using a can of tomato paste and some Italian spices and garlic powder and water and heat. You can do that or just buy some. But I think you should still heat it up.

If I need to tell you how to top a pizza I'm so sorry about your life. I hope it gets better. I used sauce, two or three types of cheese, Coppa salami, green bell peppers, and mushrooms sautéed with garlic and olive oil. Then I baked it again until it was hot and bubbly and brown. Then, agonizingly, we biked it over to the party in Chris's cargo bike. So it was a bit cold when we ate it but it was still delicious and all the vegans at the party loved it.

Zoodles and Sausage Sauce

First of all, you need to know how to make Zoodles, or zucchini noodles, whether you are going to be Paleo or not. Because Zoodles are a thing of beauty, and they are easy. Well, okay, they are a little bit annoying to make, and you need a special tool. You need a julienne peeler. And you need to accept that you will have little zucchini strings around your kitchen for days. And maybe some blood. But trust me, it's worth it.So wash your zucchini and remove the stickers.

Then peel them with the julienne peeler into a colander. Peel until you see the seeds, then stop. Yes, it feels wasteful.

Now, use some sea salt, maybe two teaspoons--I never measure--and mix it up in the noodles. Just coat them so that all the noodles have a bit of salt. Not a ton. And wait. Put a bowl under the colander to catch the water that'll drain off the noodles. Wait at least 20 minutes, up to an hour; the longer you wait the firmer the noodles will be.

Now I'm not a scientist, and I'm lazy, so sometimes I squeeze the noodles to remove excess water, and sometimes I don't. But I know that you MUST RINSE the noodles unless you like salt noodles. Trust me. Salt noodles will ruin your day and you'll be up all night drinking water and peeing.

As for the sauce, brown some sausage and bacon in a big pot, then remove the meat but leave the grease. Then add one chopped onion and some julienned carrots until the onions are starting to brown. Add spices like oregano. Then add chopped garlic and stir for a minute. Add a bit of wine and tomato paste. Then add the strained tomatoes. Put the meat back in, and some chopped spinach. Cook on medium for a while. The longer the better. Serve over zoodles. Boom. Dinner.

Frozen Chocolate Banana Nut Balls

It's getting hot in here, so let's make some nut balls! I am getting so hot, I'm going to make some nut balls.
I made a version of these when Cary and Meri came over for dinner, but this recipe is more elegant, smoother, less sweet. You can always add some honey or maple syrup to these. Taste as you go, that's what I do.
Frozen Chocolate Banana Nut Balls

• 1 cup sprouted and dehydrated almonds and cashews
• 1/4 plus 1/8 cup raw cacao powder
• 1 cup shredded coconut
• 1/4 cup coconut oil
• 2 tap vanilla extract
• 1 banana

So what I did was put the nuts and coconut in my ninja blender with the cacao powder and blended for a while until it was pretty smooth. Then I added the coconut oil and vanilla and blended again until it was almost the texture of nut butter. Then I added the banana and blended until that was, well, blended. Taste for sweetness. You might want to add some honey if you want a sweet treat.
Then I lined a plate with parchment paper and scooped out balls using my mini ice cream slash cookie scooper. Make them not too big is my advice, since they really take a while to eat. Then I popped that plate into the freezer until they were good and frozen. Then I ate a bunch. Yum!